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Every month, our budget meeting used to look like snagging my husband away from working on the computer and showing him all my chicken scratching on a notebook.
How much I over spent on groceries
Surprise medical bills
What bills are coming next month
Household supplies that blew past our budget
Where I was able to skim money off to go to savings
As I calculated the numbers and tried to make sense of my chicken scratching, switching to see the accounts online, and saw that my husband was reaching his 10 minute limit, my chest felt tight.
Why do I have to do this on my own?
Why doesn’t he give any more input than saying ‘ok’?
I’d start talking faster, wanting to connect with him
“What do you think about putting this extra money into car repairs?” I tried to engage my husband who sat on the couch. “With the ENT bill, I won’t be able to save as much this month.”
In my mind, it’s not just about staying on track with our budget, but it’s our future. Our savings. Our goals.
Unbidden tears of desperation would spring to my eyes.
It was going much longer than the quick happy 15 minute budget meeting, I’d envisioned.
We knew what was coming, because at one point it was happening nearly every month.
An argument, tears and frustration from not being heard on both sides.
I wasn’t proud of how I’d get frustrated and desperate over the budget. Causing a fracture in our relationship.
One that takes attention and forgiveness to mend.
Emails from readers tell me I’m not alone
He's a smart man and works very hard, he just feels that because he works hard to earn the money, he deserves to spend it however and whenever he wants. Even though he wants us to be on a budget, he continues to sabotage it. Help!
He always says the “right” things when we talk about how we need to change our spending habits; but we then fall back into our same poor spending.
How do I get my spouse to behave with money?
I can't get my husband to participate at all. I have started separating finances due to this.
Money conversations cause him to shut down.
The problem is money fights are stressful ... for both of us
Yet, it’s important to resolve these money fights, appreciate the skills each person brings, and work together as a team, so you can create a better financial future for your family.
“To succeed financially and relationally in a marriage, a couple has to be on the same page.The pastor says, “You will become one,” on the wedding day for a reason. It’s almost impossible to stay “one” if you have separate bank accounts, argue about money all the time, and face constant financial stress in your marriage.” quoted from Dave Ramsey
My husband’s 10 minute limit… because talking money and arguing is stressful for him, and he can only handle it in small doses.
Arguing, not able to plan for the future, and leaving a conversation hanging is stressful for me.
I have to recognize the strain on him as well as the strain on myself.
We’re in this marriage until death do us part and so figuring out the best way to talk about money is worth the investment of time and practice.
Start with dreaming first
Take some time to cuddle up on the couch together in a quiet moment, or when you’re lying in bed for an extra 20 minutes on a Saturday, or while you’re on a long drive, ask these questions.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?
Where’s a place you want to travel?
Would you like to move? What kind of house? Where at?
What’s your dream car?
What’s something super fun you want to do with the family?
How would you like to give to others?
In this conversation, there isn’t a dumb answer. Share your dreams too.
Related: Dream a little worksheet {free worksheet}
The goal is to find something you both agree on and can work together with that in mind.
For us, one of the goals we agree on is buying a home.
Right now we’re renting a cheap 3 bedroom house near the mountains, saving up a down payment.
Dream together often.
When you find a dream you both want to work towards, like buying a house, it can become a powerful motivator for both of you to stick to the budget you’ve created.
When you’re trying to get him to come to a budget meeting
Ask for a good time to talk about the budget and put it on the calendar.
When he’s in the middle of something, or tired, or not feeling good, you’re setting up the meeting to fail.
Likewise, if you’re in a bad mood or tired as well, reschedule.
Have everything ready before the time you’ve agreed to meet.
Be persistent. If one day doesn’t work or you forget because dinner was late, keep asking and ask nicely for a day you can get together.
Establish some budget meeting procalls
We’ll use calm voices.
We’ll set a timer.
We won’t get emotional or clam up without saying anything.
We both have an equal say and decision making power.
We’re working on our (dream) and this budget will help us get there faster.
We can have a cookie during our meeting. 😉
There are times when using a bribe, like a frozen Samoa girl-scout cookie, works wonders.
What to do during a budget meeting
Give a brief summary of what happened last month and any changes you expect in the next.
Show any progress you made on your money goals.
Respect and value his hard work, his desire to take care of our family.
Ask for his input, is there something I overlooked, do you want to change anything? And when he makes a suggestion, accept it… even if it’s different from what you’d do.
When you feel like he’s sabotaging the budget
You’ve set up the budget together and agreed on what was to be spent.
Then when the paycheck comes in, he stops by the store and stocks up on snacks, blowing the budget. Or spends money because he feels he works hard and deserves to spend it.
First, remember that he is a good-hearted man at his core, advice I got from Love and Respect, and he’s not intentionally sabotaging the budget.
Before you confront him at the door, waving the phone with the notification of money spent at Circle K, and question his motives.
Ask yourself a couple questions
Even a small amount of planned money to splurge on whatever you want helps cut down the overspending.
Does he have a voice in the budget process? Is he allowed to make changes?
Have I decided we are going to follow a budget without talking about what we could do if we were in control of our money and the debt was gone - dreaming together?
Have I ever overspent at Target or Joanns?
How can I give him grace?
When you do sit down to talk to him, do it calmly and remind him of the agreement the two of you had made at the beginning of the month on what you were going to spend.
Remind him gently of the dream the two of you are working on.
Ask for his help in figuring out a solution where you can do both fun spending and make steady progress on your goals.
Affirm him and how hard he works. How grateful you are that he gets up and goes to work every day.
If he’s not willing to work with you on finances and continues to spend whatever he wants without taking your shared goals and you into consideration, it may be time to go talk to a counselor or a pastor.
Going through Financial Peace University may be another excellent option to start communicating about money in a more positive manner.
This class helped my husband and I break down walls in between our communication about money and money related topics, to have honest conversations and a shared goal.
When you feel like making seperate accounts
Be careful.
I know you’re so exasperated with your husband’s financial behavior, how you desperately want to change your family’s financial future, and how he seems to undermine the progress you make.
If he’s a good-hearted man and there’s a commitment to your relationship, your future, then separating accounts could cause more damage to your relationship.
And honestly, if you’re trying to pay off debt and he’s still charging the credit card, you won’t make any progress on your money goals.
You are one. Any money is our money. Any debts, our debts.
Related: 9 tips to bust through a financial, emotional wall
…. Now I know there are times when some women do need to separate accounts for safety or when dealing with financial infidelity…
and if you’re truly in one of those situations, then you need to get additional help from a pastor, or a counselor, or the law.
But for the rest of us… money management is a skill we have to learn and so do our husbands.
As I’ve realized how much grace I’ve been given for all the many times I’ve failed, with money, and life in general...I’m able to give more grace.
When I let go of control and spend time on my knees praying for my husband, lifting up our needs and my requests to the one who sees and cares for me, there’s breakthroughs.
We’re able to work together even if it’s a small step forward this time and another step next time.
When you feel like you’re doing this alone
Money is stressful for people.
It was super stressful and caused a lot of panic in my own heart, but I fought through the fear because I was more scared of always being buried under debt and money struggles.
And for a long time, my hubby was swamped with the stress of school… and added stress about money was too much.
So the finances fell to me.
It may feel like you’re making all the decisions alone and carrying the burden, but don’t let the bitter root of resentment creep into your heart.
Or take control and make all the decisions without him.
As wives, we are to be helpmates for our husbands. To help carry the burden of stress that’s on his shoulders.
A holy responsibility.
Be patient with him.
Continue to ask for his wise input on the budget. Be respectful in your manner and your speech.
I regret the power struggles we had, based out of fear and desperation, and my sharp tongue.
That bred resentment in his heart and made him feel like a child with zero say.
Related: Are you playing financial tug-a-war?
When you’re worried about finances
I know well the worry that squeezes your heart and takes the breath right out of your lungs. That keeps you up at night scrambling to make the numbers work.
Can I be straight with you?
Worry about your finances. If you’ll be able to make ends meet.
Is doubting that God will be able to provide for your needs and that He’s left you to fend for yourself.
Even 15 years on an irregular income, God provided exactly what I needed to pay off debt, make ends meet and save up $79,775 to pay for my husband’s education in cash.
Not once has He failed. And nor will He fail to take care of you.
I’ve learned to be grateful for the bill in the mail today and the money to pay for it today.
And when you worry about how your husband handles money it’s a scary place. But even still, God will take care of you. He is trustworthy and faithful.
Continue to ask God for what you need. Pray for wisdom on how to talk about finances together with your husband.
Seek to build up your husband and invite him into these conversations with you.
You’re in this journey together and money management is a skill you can learn as a couple.
Hi! I’m Charissa. I’m on a mission to help hardworking women overcome money struggles and gain financial peace with a Biblical perspective so they can have the freedom to impact their families and communities. Ready to make some changes that will impact your finances in 2020? Click here to get a free worksheet to help you make it happen!